Alexitymia
by randomly
Summary: It started the night that his father sacrificed himself to seal the demon fox inside his son. He thought the boy would be a hero, but that was not how things turned out. The story of Naruto's life from beginning to end. Will be 5 chapters total.
1. Chapter 1

**Random Rambling: Ah yes, I have started yet another fic. This one will be 5 parts (chapters), out of which the last will be just a short postlude (Right word? It wasn't the one I was thinking of - help me out?****) of sorts.  
Ch 1 and 2 are done, 3 is half-way there. =)  
I'll get around to the next chapter of BCD soon too, just gotta get all the details sorted out first.**

**.**

**Alexithymia definition: **Inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner.

**Song/Lyrics: Alexithymia by Anberlin**

**Ale****xithymia**

**Part 1**

**~xXx~**

Don't try to wake me up  
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow  
Don't believe anything you say  
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning

**~xXx~**

**.**

A blonde male is looking proudly at the many men and women before him, he smiles at them, and they wonder what he could possibly have to smile about in times like these. Just as a gust of cold October wind makes his white robe flow behind him he speaks out in a loud and clear voice.

"My dear villagers, companions, friends," he says, and they all look to him, feeling his energy and hopeful spirit they can't help but have their hopes raised if only a little. "Tomorrow, I swear, will be the final day of this war, of all these battles." The crowd starts whispering, wondering what he's talking about, there is no way the war can end so quickly in their favor, are they fighting a loosing battle?

"What do you mean; the final battle will be tomorrow? Why will we fight if we already know we've lost?" It's a young woman that's raised her voice above the crowd's whispers and asks. Her name is Anko, and she's a spirited woman even after having been through the things she has, but that is a story for another time.

"No, Anko, that is not what I mean. What I mean is that I've found a way to end this war, and tomorrow I will, but I need you to keep fighting until then. For me, for yourself, for your families and friends, and for this village. For Konoha." His smile is contagious, and as they realize what he's saying the crowd one by one starts smiling; the horrible war they're in will be over tomorrow! There are only two people in the crowd that aren't smiling, a man and a boy. Jiraiya and Kakashi. His mentor and his student.

He looks to the two, they're standing together a little to the side of the main crowd, silently giving the message that he'll speak to them after the speech is over. He looks back to the horde of shinobi before him, they all seem so much happier now, much more hopeful.

"Now I ask of you all, go tell this to your families, and to your fellow comrades that couldn't be here right now because they are defending us at this very moment, and tell it to your friends and anyone you see in the streets. Now, go!" just as he shouts the final word the group of ninja before him starts breaking up, running, jumping, walking or teleporting away, all depending on where they are going.

When the whole crowd is gone but the two that still aren't smiling his smile slowly fades too, it doesn't entirely go, but instead of the happy one occupying his features before, a melancholy one now graces his lips.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Minato?" It's the older male, Jiraiya, that asks, Kakashi merely remains silent, looking at his teacher with a glance that would seem emotionless to others, but in which Minato can see the accusation clearly; _Are you going to leave me the way they did, too? _And the betrayal; _I thought you said you'd stay, that you'd be here for me…_

"I have to, it's my duty, you both know that. And it's the only way to stop this war…" He adds the last part to himself, only mumbling it lowly.

"You don't have to die for this war to end, Minato, there are other ways." The oldest of the three's voice sounds a turmoil of emotions and he feels tears pressing on, but he won't let that show. He has to be strong. Kakashi still remains silent.

"This is the only way that no more people will die, Jiraiya," he says, looking at his former teacher. The youngest of the three keeps quiet, but his eyes say so much more than words ever could and Minato feels a sting in his heart. A pang of guilt, a loss of spirit. These two people make everything so much harder, but without them he would be nothing, so he is thankful to them. And secretly he wishes he could stay with them, but he can't.

"_You _will." He hears a low voice say, and it takes him a moment to realize that it is Kakashi's.

"I'm sorry," he whispers to the boy, then he turns to his teacher and smiles before he uses a jutsu that swiftly teleports him to the hospital and his beloved Kushina. The woman that at that very moment was giving birth to his child – giving the young boy her life in exchange for his as her eyes cast one last, sorrowful look at her husband before they forever closed.

The Yondaime hokage held his newborn son in his arms as he spent a moment crying over his lover, but tears had never been for him, and at any rate he and the child would join her shortly. He almost regretted his decision as he looked upon his gorgeous baby boy, but his mind was made up, it was his duty to end this war. His duty and his wish.

It is in the middle of the night that the blonde man goes outside, carrying his child with him to a height right outside of the town. In the midst of battle nobody notices him as he makes his way through the crowd, and suddenly he is before them all. Before them all and before their greatest enemy – the Kyuubi no Kitsune.)

This is the moment it all adds up too. This is the moment that thousands of fates will be decided solely based upon whether the jutsu he's been putting so much into works or not.

Initializing. The fox comes closer. Three. The demon rages above his people, tails lashing towards the innocent crowds. Two. People fall dead, and suddenly he sees both student and teacher standing in the crowd looking at him with sad eyes. One. Kushina's ghost appears, and the gorgeous redhead smiles at him as a searing pain starts shooting through him.

It hurts so much, but through it all he can see the demon fade, and he hears the people cheer. He feels all strength drain from him as he falls to the ground, but before he hits the hard earth he is caught in a pair of strong arms as his vision fades.

"He's too far gone," he hears through the fog that is quickly clouding his minds, and just before it all ends he hears a scream. Not one of fear or joy or sadness, no. Not even the one of a grown person. This is the scream of his son, the boy is still alive.

For a second the Yondaime wonders what he has done – what kind of life he has doomed his son to lead – but it is only a second, for after that fleeting moment in time he closes his eyes never to open them in this life again.

**~xXx~**

**Random Rambling: So, what did you think? Please. PleasePleasePlease. Please tell me what you thought. *puppyeyes***


	2. Chapter 2

**Alexithymia  
****Part 2**

**~xXx~**

Bricks to this old house are breaking  
Steel would have weathered but now forlorning  
It's alarming how loud the silence screams  
No warn, no warn, no warning

**~xXx~**

**.**

A 12 year old boy is sitting by his kitchen table eating ramen out of a styrofoam cup. He would have gone to Ichiraku's to eat, but for one he doesn't have the money, and secondly he doesn't really want to see anyone right now.

There's a knock on his door and he looks at the clock on his oven, 12.34 pm – that means it's probably Kakashi come to check on him since he wasn't at training today and out running in the October rain with his teammates. Checking in to see why he isn't preparing for the huge October festival like everyone else. He was correct about one thing, it was Kakashi, but all his other assumptions were entirely wrong.

"Hello," The silver-haired male says as the door he has been knocking on is opened.

"Hey…" the blonde replies. Realizing he's standing in the middle of the doorway blocking it he steps to the side. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Thank you," the jounin says as he walks inside and runs a hand through his hair, pulling rain-wet silver strands away from his face.

"So… Why are you here?" the younger asks nonchalantly, it's not like his sensei usually cares, he has more than enough with his precious Uchiha prodigy to worry about the blonde hyperactive knucklehead ninja that Naruto knows everyone sees him as.

"You didn't show up for training today, it's not like you, Naruto. Are you alright?" Kakashi's question catches him off guard – there's normally only one person who asks him these questions, and that is Iruka. The Sandaime occasionally does too, to be fair, but not quite so often now as he did when the blonde was younger.

"Since when have you cared?" the blonde mumbles under his breath so low that the other man cannot hear more than a muttering sound, inquiring what the boy said with a simple 'hm'. "I'm fine, sensei, I just didn't feel that well today." It's true, he didn't feel that well _today_. But then again he hasn't felt well in ages upon ages – though the pain that he feels isn't physical, it's in his mind and soul.

"Naruto, honestly, do you think I don't know that you're lying?" his sensei asks, and the boy merely shakes his head. It was worth a shot.

"I suppose not, since you don't believe me." He says, his voice giving away his annoyance with the questions he is being asked.

"Then you suppose correctly." The man sighs, looking at the blonde with a serious expression. "Now then, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"I wasn't planning to, no." It's an honest answer, an attempt at making his sensei realize he's dwelling into things that the blonde doesn't want to share.

"You're not yourself today, Naruto." Kakashi says, and he means it – the boy is so different from himself now, he's always been so happy. Always _seemed _so happy. In reality, though, all the smiles are painted on porcelain masks and the real child is hidden behind a façade so cleverly constructed that no one has yet seen past it. In thirteen years not a single person has noticed that there's something wrong with all the smiles and the laughs and the happiness that isn't really there. Not a single soul has realized how inhuman his character is. _If they only knew…_

"I really don't want to talk about it, Kakashi." The boy lowers his eyes until he's staring into his cup of noodles. He doesn't want to talk about it because it's the truth. He doesn't want to talk about it because it's only the beginning. It's not just the festival, it's the people that take part in it and also the way that those people act towards him especially the week that it takes place. Everything is so much worse this time of year, that's why he's always hated his birthday.

"You have to, Naruto. You're a part of a team, and even if you won't tell Sasuke or Sakura I need you to tell me, as your team leader. If we are on a mission and something is distracting you then that could be the difference between life and death – I need to know what is wrong." _So he doesn't really care then, it's just because he has too…_

"Well, you already know the villagers hate me, right? You know that since they blame me for everything the Kyuubi did to them soon-to-be thirteen fucking years ago they feel that they have the right to get back at me." The boy's answer isn't what the silver-haired male across the table from him expected. It's honest.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi says, and he really means it. He was there the night it all happened. He knows that the boy is what saved the village, not what killed so many of its people – it's just hard to make the ones that lost all their loved ones see that. They need a scapegoat, and that is what the young boy, conveniently for them, has been all his life.

"Don't be," the boy says. His voice is cold when he speaks, and the words hit the elder's soul and send a shiver down his spine. The boy isn't like _this_, he's not supposed to be. He's the one who is always there keeping the other's spirits up, he's the one never giving up. He isn't this that Kakashi is seeing now.

"Naruto?" Silence. Complete, you-could-cut-it-with-a-knife silence. "What have they done to you?"

"Is that really relevant, sensei?" the boy asks. "I'll tell you that the reason I didn't come to training today was that I'm just so tired of it all, but I'll be fine tomorrow. I just wanted a day by myself to relax without people constantly mocking me or seeing my oh-so-amazing _friends_…" The boy spits out the word friends like it is poison, because he's come to realize that even if he will protect the people that he call his friends with his life they wouldn't die for him. They never noticed him, and they don't even bother trying. _Who wants to know the demon?_

"Yes, Naruto, that is relevant," his teacher says with a stern voice, and he has a feeling that he will not like what he is about to hear. "What is also relevant is why you spit the words out like poison when you spoke of your friends. What's happening to you?"

"I spit out those words, Kakashi," the young boys says coldly, "because as friends mine aren't worth much. I thought that in them I might have found someone precious to protect and someone to whom I am precious, but I can see that that is not the case. Take Sasuke for an example, I mean, all he ever does is tell me that I'm not good for anything and that I should just give up because I'm such and Idiot. And Sakura… Don't even get me started on that selfish, selfish girl. She doesn't give a damn about anyone's feelings but her own." The blonde clenches and unclenches his fists unconsciously as he speaks, the rage boiling up within him.

"Naruto…" Kakashi feels a fool, how could he not realize until now? All the insults have finally broken through the blonde's insane barrier of smiles and quick comebacks, and maybe that's why he's been just a little quieter lately. Maybe that's why there's been something changed in his eyes. The older male quickly focuses his thoughts again, pursuing the initial question. "You still didn't tell me what the villagers have done to you, Naruto." That is all he dears to say, almost afraid of the reaction.

The child remains silent for a minute, his eyes closed as he is obviously thinking, then he gets to his feet and turns his back to his teacher, lifting his t-shirt to reveal several scars and newer wounds from what seems like a combination of knifes and fists and whips. His teacher gasps, but just as he is about to speak the boy turns around to face him and pulls his shirt all the way off, and what the silver-haired male sees is a sight he could happily have lived without. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes you don't want to know. Sometimes you wish that things had just never happened. That _sometime_ was what Kakashi was experiencing as he looked at the child's chest, covered in scars and dried blood and fresh wounds and what seemed like letters carved into his skin that spelled 'DIE DEMON DIE'.

"There you have it, Kakashi," the child says spitefully. "There you have part of it, at least. You're wishing you never asked, aren't you?"

"…" The boy is spot-on, but his teacher cannot admit that, rather remaining silent as words fail him.

"Well, since you've seen all this I could probably just as well tell you that when I was… I think I was 4 years old, that was when I was raped for the first time. It's happened many times since that though, so maybe I should just consider a career as a prostitute. I'm sure I'd do well." The hate in his voice is all too obvious and all too frightening, but Kakashi can't blame him, the boy has every right.

"Who did this too you, Naruto?"

"I'm sorry, sensei, but telling you wouldn't help, and so I'll save myself the trouble. Now, would you please leave so I can eat the rest of my food?" the boy asks like nothing has happened, and still out of words Kakashi get's to his feet, walking to the door.

Tomorrow the boy will meet up for practice like every other day, and he will smile and laugh and play along like he always does. Tomorrow. But just for today he will let himself feel.

And tomorrow his teacher will act along and ignore the things he has seen, because he cannot take it. He cannot deal with them. They are too gruesome, and he knows that no matter what he says or does the people that caused the boy's injuries will never be punished at any rate, so why bother. The only things his words may bring is shame to the blonde boy that he calls his student, so he will leave things be.

Tomorrow will be just another day, and things will not change just because the sun goes up one more time.

**~xXx~**

**Random Rambling: Reviews, yes? They make me happy ^^**


	3. Chapter 3

**Alexithymia**

**Part 3**

**~xXx~**

Addictions fill the table where the family used to sit  
And conversate  
Conversate to the sounds  
To the sounds of a record player  
With it's jumping needle and the lights that grow dim over time

With downcast eyes  
There's more to living than being alive

**~xXx~**

At only seventeen Naruto is a famous hunter known as Lynx, he is the single most requested leaf ninja for any A- or S-rank mission, and he is lonelier than anyone would think.  
Yes, he is constantly surrounded by people that he has shallow relations to or people that admire him, but no one ever bothers getting to know who _he _really is. He has not a single person that he can trust in a personal manner. The blonde is alone, and even though it's always really been this way it's starting to hurt so very, very much.

He is the most reckless of Konoha's shinobi, and maybe that is why he does so well as a hunter. He is not afraid to die. In fact, he would only be happy to, as that would set him free from the hateful glares and wished-for friends and all the dark thoughts that fill his mind, but he has still to fail a single mission. He is still alive.  
Oh, he has come home bloody and with broken bones many a time, unconscious a few others, but never has his wish been granted and his body been carried back to Konoha and laid to rest. There is no rest for those like him.

He is just home from yet another mission, another failed attempt at death, and he is tired. He is so very tired of everything; the food in his fridge, the clothes that he wears, the people he meets, the places he sees – _everything._

It is a surprise when someone he used to know comes up to him where he sits eating his once-favorite food at Ichiraku's, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," says the still familiar voice. "How've you been, Naruto? I haven't talked to you in so long." It's Iruka, his former teacher and only-ever family, and he lets on a fake smile so as to soothe the man. He never smiles for real any more.

"Hey, Iruka," He replies with the least tired voice he can manage. "Yeah, it's been too long. I'm fine." He lies. Like always he lies, and the older man sees through him, taking a second to decide whether or not to pursue the subject of the blonde's well-being. He is angry with himself for ever even hesitating; of course the blonde is worth his worries.

"You don't look fine to me," he says, his dark brown eyes locked on blues.

"I'm tired is all…" The blonde mutters. An obvious lie.

"Talk to me, Naruto?" It is only a question, for the man has known the blonde long enough to be aware that the boy will not do anything unless he agrees to it himself.

Naruto hesitates for a moment. He hesitates as a million thoughts cross his mind at dizzying speeds, and then he looks apologetically into worried eyes.  
"I'm sorry," he says, and he truly is. There is nothing he would like more than to tell someone what he is feeling – to purge all of the darkness weighing down his heart and maybe, just maybe getting out of loneliness, but he can't bring himself to do it. He can't pour his heart out in that way, for if he were to be rejected, that would be the final drop of what he could take. "I'm sorry, I just can't." He looks away, can't stand the worry and well-disguised sadness in the man's eyes.

"I'm sorry too," Iruka says, and then he turns and walks away – he is not wanted there, and it is all too clear.

The blonde only stays for a while, finishing his food before he, too, walks away.  
He goes back to his flat only to change his not-quite-fit-for-training clothes into something more fit, then heads out to one of the training grounds. Number 9 is empty, and he takes a couple of seconds to glance at the location before he creates 5 shadow-clones, making them come at him all at once.

He fights them off with ease, watching emotionlessly as they go up in smoke one after another, then creates one more. He practices his taijutsu for hours, even though he is an expert there is always room for improvement. It is late when he hears an intrusive sound, turning in its direction to see who is there.

It is Kakashi.

The former student and teacher barely ever talk any more. Their relationship has been strained ever since Naruto told Kakashi of all the horrors of his life. It wasn't that he ever expected the man to do anything about it, but the way that he never even seemed to care at all just cut too deep to be forgiven.

"Uzumaki," he catches the boys attention. It's gotten to the point where they are no longer on first name basis.

"Hatake." Naruto says, walking closer to the other male.

"The hokage has asked to see you. I was just delivering a report to her and she sent me to get you." Naruto doesn't really care about what the man was doing, he merely nods.

"I'll go straight away," he replies in a superficially polite voice, then walks straight past the jounin and heads towards Tsunade's quarters. He never sees Kakashi's regretful eyes. He never hears the whispered words

"_I wish I could have a second chance, I wouldn't make the mistake of ignoring it a second time around. I wish I could help you."_

Once he arrives in the Hokage's office he smiles politely at her, sitting down in the chair across from hers on the other side of her large, wooden desk. She is the only person he can still make pleasant conversation with, the only one he still hasn't completely pushed away.

"Why am I here?" he inquires, not that it matters much.

"You've been requested to go on a mission on Konoha's behalf," she sights, she knows it is to early and that he needs more rest, but the council are hanging over her shoulders, and even she has to bow to their demands. "I'm sorry, I know it's soon, but I have no choice…" The boy nods.

"What's the mission?" Tsunade starts looking through a bunch of papers on her desk and finally pulls out five sheets that are stapled together. "It's an infiltration." She states calmly.

"Ah," the blonde nods, looking through the papers.  
They make some more small talk, then the boys goes home.

Home to an empty apartment, to sit down by an empty table and listen to his empty thoughts.

He will leave in a day.

**~xXx~**

**Reviews, please? I love teh feebakks.**

**I'm hoping for five reviews on this chapter - can you do that for me, darlings?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Random Rambling: A little longer, a little different. **

**A little more M-rated for a shortshortshor sex-scene void of love.**

**Part 4**

**~xXx~**

Are you where you thought you'd be  
So beautiful and only twenty-three  
Opposition rests in the hearts  
With no, with no, with no opportunity  
It's not that we don't talk  
It's just no one really listens and honesty fades  
Like a politician lost in the course  
All smiles and no one remembers our names

**~xXx~**

"I see no peaceful end to this conflict if Iwagakure is not willing to negotiate with us, as the Tsuchikage has proven is the case, and as such I will declare war on them as of today – As Otogakure are supporting them, I also declare war on them. I can only speak on behalf of Konoha, but I would like to hear who our allies are in this battle." The scarred, blonde man sits down, awaiting the replies of his fellow kages.

"Sunagakure are your allies in this war, Konoha can count on our support," the Kazekage says. The person who originally held the position, the former jinchuuriki Gaara, was assassinated by a shinobi from the village hidden in the rocks, his sister chosen to be his replacement, and so it comes as no surprise to the Hokage that they will join forces with Konoha.

"Thank you," he says, "You support is much appreciated."

"We, Kirigakure, will also declare war on the sound and rock villages. Konoha and their shinobi have proven themselves trustworthy and as good allies to us in the past, and so we are your allies in this war." The large man that is the current Mizukage nods politely at the Hokage.

"That is sorted then, we are allies in this war. I will call another meeting shortly, but for the time being I will have to sort out Konoha's ranks and prepare them for war. You can expect word from Konoha by the end of the month." The two other Kages nod in understanding, and the blonde male rises to his feet, turning his back on them to leave.

"Naruto," The Kazekage, Temari, says. "Let's win this war. For Gaara, and for all the others who have died so far at the hands of both Sound and Rock shinobi, let us win this war."

Naruto nods at her, smiling in feigned resolution rather than true optimism. He knows that the war ahead of them will be long and hard as opposed to the simple, quick one they all first expected, and he is also aware that the number or casualties is likely to be very high as their competition is strong, but it is a war that needs to be fought.

"For Gaara." He tells her, then walks away.

He goes where he always goes to think, the graveyard. He has become much like a man he never thought he'd be like now that he is older and has seen what the world can do to good men. He has become much like his former teacher, Hatake Kakashi. He once swore to himself he never would.

Standing by the memorial he traces calloused fingers over the names of departed acquaintances and the occasional person that actually mattered. His free hand automatically goes to the scar the now runs across his right cheek when his fingers run over the letters spelling out Umino Iruka – the white line on his face a permanent reminder of the mission during which the man died. He remembers the bloody mess on the ground after the fight, the feeling of blood running down his face and throat. He remembers holding a dying Iruka close to him and chanting '_I love you, I'm sorry_' into infinity and deaf ears.

He has many other scars, too – one of which is a long cut across his throat, acquired during an infiltration mission gone wrong. He almost died then – he was so near getting free of life, but of course that couldn't happen. The famous hunter known to most as Hatake Kakashi had to save him from freedom.

A silent tear traces his skin upon reading the two names Jiraiya and Tsunade next to one another. Those are the two people he misses the most. Thos two are the ones he needs to tell him that he _can_ do it, and that he _is_ strong enough.

"_Am I doing the right thing?_" he whispers into the cold winter air. "This isn't what I wanted."

It really isn't. He never wanted war. When Tsunade appointed him Hokage only weeks before she died for reasons he still does not know he hoped that he could make a difference. He hoped that he could change things for the better, and that maybe, just maybe peace could become a reality and wars could be ended. He still held the same spark and resolution within his heart that had always shone so brightly in his eyes when he was younger then, but with time, that, like all other things, had begun to fade. Now all that was left was the hope of not-so-many casualties and the wish for the war to end sooner rather than later.

As usual the wind offers no answers to his questions, and he shakes his head at the fact that he even bothered trying. Why ask the dead when you know that they won't answer, he thinks.

"Naruto," he hears a soft voice call. "I thought I'd find you here."

"Oh. Hey." He replies nonchalantly as a pink-haired girl approaches him.

"How are you?" She asks, and he wants to slap her. He wants her to realize by herself what a mess they are truly in, and he wants that just one person could see how he felt without his having to say so out loud. That won't happen, however – he knows that for a fact.

"We're at war." He says quietly. "Suna and Kirigakure are our allies, Iwa- and Otogakure our enemies." He sees the fear in her eyes, nodding apologetically.

She loves a man who is now residing in sound, one of their most infamous shinobi. She loved a man that was the closest he ever got to a best friend. Sasuke was always more like an enemy.

"Come with me?" she asks. Her voice is hesitant, but she confidently turns away and starts walking. She knows that he will follow her, he always does.

When they get to her apartment he silently follows her inside, letting himself get led by soft hands into her bedroom. He watches her undress without further interest, then takes off his own clothes.

As opposed to the gentle nature that is what everyone knows him for, in the bedroom he is harsh. She knows this from experience, and she cannot say that she is looking forwards to it, but she does it out of love. He needs her, and he needs this. He needs an outlet, and she has become that outlet. He is the hokage and her only remaining memory of the happier times of her life, and she will not let go at any cost, so if this is the only way to keep him close, then this is the way it will be.

He is pounding into her lithe frame, and she bites her lip and tips her head back not to let the tears that are forming in her eyes fall. This is his time to feel, not hers. This is his time to let out all the pain he feels inside, she can cry later.

Tears are streaking his cheeks, a look of desperation on his face that turns to something so indescribably beautiful when he climaxes, and she is glad it is over.

They both get dressed quickly, there are no emotions involved in their relationship, only platonic love and the touches of memories past, and he mutters a "Thank you" before he leaves her there to wish upon her shining stars that maybe things can change.

He fucks her a couple of times every week. If she knows he's going through rough times she will be there for him and she has granted him full permission to do as he will with her body. He is sickened by what they have, but at the same time thankful. Mostly sickened, for it is not her that he loves. It is not her that he loves, it is a man that he can never confess to, and much less that can ever be his. Sometimes he wonders if what he feels is just lust, and if he is even really capable of love.

He wishes he were, but in a world of war and hate and death, in a world were all of those that he once loved is dead to the world or just to him, he does not think he is.

"_Where did all my dreams and hopes go_", he asks himself. "_Where did my life go?_"

* * *

**Random Rambling: What did you think?  
Only one part left now.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Notes: Sorry this took so long, but I've just been unable to write and feeling a little down lately. Things seem to be coming together again now though.  
I'm getting right to work on chapter 23 on BCD to see if I can't get that done too =)**

**Hope you like this final chapter!**

* * *

**Part 5**

**~xXx~**  
Don't try to wake me up  
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow  
Don't believe anything I say  
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning  
**~xXx~**

The hidden village of the leaf is merely a shell of what it used to be, weary after many years of constant battles and a rapidly growing list of war-casualties. In the beginning the war had seemed a sure win, but their opponents were stronger than expected. Their allies not quite as honest as they would have wished.

Konoha is at war, as is its leader. The man is at war with himself, and soon he will be at the frontlines leading his army to what will hopefully be the battle that ends it all. He doubts it will.

He also doubts that silent wishes has ever helped anyone, but that doesn't keep him from making them as he stands before the memorial stone of Konoha, so many names adorning it by now. He wishes that all of them were still alive. That all the meaningless deaths had never happened. He wishes that it weren't all his fault, but in his eyes it is. He was their leader, and they died doing what he asked of them. Silent tears fall from his eyes for them.

,

Sighing, he turns and makes his way back to the hokage tower slowly. As he arrives he walks past the ANBU guards standing by every door, their voices reaching out to him, but the words incomprehensible to his closed mind. Standing in his office he realizes what they were trying to say. _I should have listened_, he tells himself. _I should have listened, and I could have avoided this unpleasant encounter._

"Hatake-san." He greets the man leaning against the wall behind his desk. "What is your business here?"

Kakashi feels his heart fall just like it does every time he meets his former student and the cold wall he has built around himself. He looks into empty blue eyes, blinking to break contact when he realizes there is no soul left in them at all anymore. Blinking to make sure it wasn't only his eyes that played tricks on him and making him see the tear-tracks down the blonde's cheeks.

"Naruto." He makes a point of using the man's first name rather than a title or surname, he never really liked formalities. "I just returned from the battlefields in Suna earlier today… It's not looking good. They've asked for reinforcements."

"We don't have many shinobi to spare as most are needed, but I think we can spare a few jounin – I take it chunin aren't fit for the battles there if conditions are as bad as the situation makes them seem?" It's only now that he notices what Kakashi is wearing, a torn and bloody jounin uniform. "Cat." He says just so loud that the ANBU, sho is standing right outside his door, hears it and confirms. "Bring Hatake-san a new uniform, please. Right now." He turns back to the older male.

"It definitely is not fit for a chunin, no. Otogakure are the ones fronting the battles, lead by Sasuke himself…" Naruto breaks his former teacher off mid-sentence, something stirring in his eyes.

"Sasuke is there?"

"Yes. As I said he's personally there leading the Otogakure shinobi."

"I will be going myself, with 20 jounin." The blonde has waited for a chance – this chance – to see the Uchiha again. He has not even been close to him after he deserted his village, and where earlier was longing for his former teammate to return to their side is now only a strong wish for revenge of the betrayal.

"Don't be rash, Naruto. You have more important things to consider than personal vendetta." Kakashi says matter-of-factly. The blonde knows that he is right, but it does not matter. It does not matter because he knows that the raven is maybe the only one that could end his misery.

"I _will_ be going, there is no way for you to change my mind, Hatake. However, you are one of the jounin that will accompany me, and I will leave you in charge of finding the others to join us, I will give you the lists of available shinobi tomorrow."  
Just seconds later Cat appears with Kakashi's new uniform and Naruto bids the man farewell, collapsing in his chair.

Truthfully he does not want to bring Kakashi to Suna with him, but he knows that the man is greatly skilled and most likely will be needed, so he puts his personal feelings towards the man aside. As long as the jounin does not try and hinder him from meeting Sasuke he does not care whether he is there or not.

It is a week later that they are in a Suna much changed since the previous time the Hokage was there. The capital, to which was where they were called, is ablaze quite literally, building burning and no more water left to put the fires out, and there are enemies and allies everywhere. Bodies litter the ground after last night's battles.

Naruto has already meet with Temari – the girl has aged more than she should have, mostly due to the stress and pressure put on her shoulders too early – and they have already sent the Konoha jounin to the differents squads of jounin they will be joining, including Kakashi.

Now comes the crucial question.  
"Do you know Uchiha Sasuke's location?" Naruto asks, and Temari nods.

"He's not exactly in hiding," She says, sighing. "He has grown much stronger, and he does not bother to hide away as he knows that one by one our shinobi are no match for him. Even I would not stand a chance against him. He is in the camp Otogakure have set up about 5 miles north of the village."

I will be going there, then." Naruto says, making up an excuse in an instant upon seeing the Kazekage's disapproving expression. "I know him, and I am the leader of his greatest enemy. He might listen to me, I will try to come to an agreement of a cease-fire."

The girl nods and they talk for a little while longer, the conversation turning from war and eventually to memories of times past. The kazekage breaks out a bottle of Sage, filling a cup for each of them.

"Tonight we drink, tomorrow we fight." She smiles sadly at the blonde, who returns her emotion and empties his cup.

It is the day after that he sets out in search of his former team-mate, false-friend and competition. They were meant for this, the two of them. One is light the other is dark, one was a prodigy and one was most hated of them all – polar opposites is what they are.

It's noon when he gets to the camp, and even though he isn't fighting as much anymore as before he became hokage he still easily defeats the stupid fools that try to hinder him before he announces that he is there to see their leader, Uchiha Sasuke.

They step aside, mumbling amongst themselves, letting him pass. He walks further into their camp, aware of the ten jounin that think they are so well hidden he could not possibly know of them, and eventually finds his way to Sasuke's tent.

He barges in, staring straight into those familiar, obsidian eyes.

"Sasuke,"

"Naruto."

"Traitor."

"It's been to long since last we met."

There is an awkward silence, much longer than normal, then the raven speaks again.

"So, you finally came. I've been waiting for you."

"I demand a one-on-one battle," the blonde cuts straight to the point.

"Fine by me," Sasuke smirks, then gets to his feet. "I knew it would eventually come to this. You know how it will end, don't you? I am still better than you, like I've always been."

Naruto feels the anger rise in him, but he locks it down, saving it for later. For when he needs it. He lets Sasuke lead him out into the desert, to a place where they can be seen by everyone. This is a showdown of giants, and both sides still once they realize what is going on.

There is complete silence, every single shinobi on the battlefield hoping that their leader will come out victorious, but one man in the crowd already knows the final verdict. They will lose, he thinks. _We will lose_. Kakashi knows this for a fact, because the blonde doesn't have the will to fight any more, he doesn't have the will to live. This is the first time that Kakashi has ever been so scared. He trembles.

The fight starts so suddenly that it shocks everyone out of their hypnotized states of silence, but still the fighting does not resume, all eyes glued to the scene playing out in the middle of the desert. There are flashes here and there, screams and blood become much too common, and then there is the final blow.

The blonde is lying on his back on the ground mere feet away from the Uchiha, blood running from both his mouth and nose and from all the cuts on his body, and he laughs.

He is dying, and yet he laughs. The cruelest, coldest, most horrifying laugh.

"You're dying, we're winning, and all you can do is laugh?" Sasuke looks at him in that _I'm better than you_ way that he always did when they were younger, but this time Naruto doesn't look away. He stares right back.

"You know that jutsu my father created – the one in wich you lock one soul within another's. The one that locks the Kyuubi no Kitsune within me." The Uchiha's conviction of victory shatters as the blonde speaks and he realizes something is wrong. Why is he feeling so weak? Why is he feeling like all life is draining from him?

"Well, I did a little work on it, and I succeeded in making a jutsu that would link one soul to another instead of within. A jutsu that would synchronize two souls. Your destiny is bound to mine now, so when I die… Well, so do you."

"How?" Sasuke has fallen to his knees before the blonde, having no strenght to keep him up anymore.

"That's my little secret." The blonde smirks. He has gotten his revenge, and he doesn't care any more.

They both fall, and the crowd slowly comes to life again. Not a single soldier on the battlefield knows what to do now, when this has happened.

It is Temari that steps up to her role as the Kazekage and positions herself right between the dead bodies of the two legends, speaking to the crowds.

"Attention," she calls out, all eyes on her.

In the end arrangements are made that all Oto-nin that join the Suna ranks will be pardoned and after a while most of the Shinobi on the battlefield venture back to their camps, their minds filled with the happenings of the day.

It is only when no-one is left that Kakashi steps up to the bodies and the young woman himself, kneeling next to the blonde.

"You knew that this would happen, didn't you?" Temari asks in a whisper.

"Yes," comes the answer. "He wished to die. I never expected the jutsu that took Sasuke down with him, though."

"None of us did, but we are all thankful." She says in a melancholy voice. "He will be missed greatly and remembered like the hero that he is. He will become a legend."

"His end is much like that of his father. It's a good thing he never had a child, I don't owe this fate to yet another soul."

Kakashi picks the blonde up and carries him like he carried him all those years ago when he tried to keep the Uchiha from leaving. He carries him in hopes that he will wake up like he did that time, but he knows that he will not.

When they are back in Konoha Naruto will be buried, and on his gravestone will be two names – Uzumaki Naruto as he was known all his life, and also Namikaze Naruto now that he has lived up to his fathers status as a hero – and tears will be shed by all those who knew him and all those who didn't in recognition that a great man has died – but for tonight Kakashi's tears will have to be enough.

For tonight the man that drove him both to heroism and his death will be wishing time could turn back so that he could save the young child that Naruto once was from becoming the legend that he did.

**The end.**


End file.
